Monday, March 14, 2011

Thing 328 Don't Speak For a Day

If you know me, then you're aware that me not talking for a whole day is about as likely as a genuine apology from a politician. If you don't know me then you may have already guessed from the excessively wordy blogs that I'm a mouthy, gabby asshole. I never know if I'm repeating myself or not, but in case I'm not, I'm going to tell this story over again. When I was about eleven months old I was talking. Not just one or two words, I was having actual conversations. Dad tells me that people followed him and mam around the shopping centre on grocery day, watching the tiny child talking to whoever would listen.

The problem, as my da pointed out in his toast on my 21st birthday, was that they couldn't shut me up. Nice one da. I lack the switch in my head that certain people have which allows them to stop their tongue from moving when they want to. I just keep talking...

I tried this thing twice before. Two fails and both inside of an hour or two of starting.
So I resorted to writing on my hand as a means of communication. Writing on anything really. It hurt my face not to be able to talk. Aside from anything else, it was ignorant as hell. The Barista thought I was drunk. Normally when I walk into Arabica, he says "hello Dan", and I typically (and probably too loud for the volume in the room) shout out "Hello". This time I walked in and he said hello, I just smiled and nodded. Apparently that's what he thinks I look like when drunk. So I felt rude. I wanted to make sure that if I did this Thing, I wouldn't just hide around the house. I'd get out and not talk. I had to scribble my coffee orders on beermats in O'Connell's at The Old Quarter. I think the staff there must have thought I was insane. They're not far wrong, to be fair to them.

The Canuck, like clockwork, of course, started baiting me. Politicians deserve more money, he told me. They don't get enough in pension payments. One of them definitely did not commit perjury. What a dick. I was seconds away from punching him, let alone just talking. To be honest I expected it. My friends are antagonistic from time to time. The Canuck more than most. Much love to the man.

So in the spirit of testing the limits of my no-speaking tolerance, the entire Sluggery crew got together and signed up for a table quiz. Imagine me, of all people, at a table quiz, where I can't open my mouth. Just answer questions with my pen and be quiet. It wasn't easy, but at this point I'd gone about nine and a half hours. Not one word spoken.

Table quiz rolls on, as table quizzes are wont to do, but I'm still not talking. We're not winning, we're in second or third, but all the time we were catching the front runners. Someone mentions someone at another table using their phone to check answers... danger... danger... I can feel it coming. Nothing said though.

Final round. We're about ten points behind the winning team, but there's ten points per question in this round. And, to add insult to injury, there's a question about airlines... no one else is going to know the answer except me and Token Northy. That's when Pony Boy lets a roar out: "Stop using google..."


The words were out of my mouth before I knew what was happening. The worst part is that there were plenty of tables of people who knew me who all made that loud "oooooooooooooooh" noise, when they realised that I ruined it.

A whole day, no talking, nothing said, when I wanted to. Absolutely nothing uttered out of my mouth, and then I had to go roaring "Who's Googling". That's not even a real sentence. That's when the row starts. Because some people are claiming that since it's after midnight I've technically done it. Token Northy insists that the time was 23:59. One minute in the difference.

Not that it matters, the row was pointless. Thing doesn't end until I go to bed. So I'd failed. The lads said that the attempt itself counts as a new Thing. Token Northy and Pony Boy tell me that I should do something else that's new to make up for my failure.

So they pour me a glass of fishtank water. And I drink it.

For the millionth time: Stupid Project.


  1. Why don't you try to speak Irish for a day? Seachtain na Gaeilge and all that....or Irish for St. Patricks day?!

  2. Bwaaa-ha-ha-haaa!!! Ba bhreá liom sin a fheiceáil! Shil tu go raibh ciunas deachrach,  rachaidh tú dásachtach ag éirigh caint i ngaeilge an lá ar fad! Cinnte go fiú do chuid Béarla crap...

  3. This post got a lot more 'aaaahs' from me that the Godfather one.

    I think they should have let you away with it. You tried really hard and like you said, it's not even a sentence!

  4. I love your face in that last pic - Quality fail Dan!!


    Maybe you could try again! Tips are on the link above |