Thursday, March 10, 2011

Thing 314 Online Poker

I'm pretty sure that the only thing on the internet making more money than online poker, is porn. Porn makes money everywhere, at every time, all over the shop, but the online poker industry is massive. There are ads for it every fifteen minutes on television after eight pm and if you spend any time online at all you've already seen three hundred and nineteen thousand ads at least.

Two stories about poker that I feel I should tell you now. First: Me, Top Cat, Band Man and God Boy haven't played poker since 2008 after "The Event". You're talking about four best friends, and I think we were about five minutes away from punches over a game of cards. My memory is a little hazy but I'm pretty sure it was everyone else's fault except mine. Ahem. Don't look into it though. It started over someone calling a worse hand then they actually had, but you have to play the hand you call... I don't want to talk about it after that.

Second: I played some poker with some mates about a year and a half ago. That was seriously the last time I've played. I lost. Badly. I want to say I lost everything, but that's overly dramatic, I'd only staked twenty quid. The point is, I don't play often and I play badly. This is not a fun combination. Sort of like disliking rain and having a fear of umbrellas.

There are people who have quit their jobs to make their money playing online poker. It's real money you're playing for, you can find a game online at any time of the day or night, and there are tables for newcomers and beginners that good players can blag their way in to, to fleece all the idiots. I include myself in that idiots bit.

But as if that wasn't already making it hard enough for newcomers there are bot nets. I didn't just make that up. Real thing. Look it up. Basically a simple computer program which is hidden one someone else's hard drive and plays online poker for it's creator. It wins a lot. So the smart computer guy doesn't even have to be good at poker, just maths, and he can clean up on poker games. Making me go red in the face and curse at my screen. Over and over again. Apoplectic with rage, until I end up rocking back and forth and cursing my luck.

This is why I shouldn't play poker with people either by the way. I'm a bad loser.

Once your account is set up, you'll have some free money to spend, and by that I mean lose. It's a tough goddam sport. If you're lucky. I think the worst thing that could have happened to me was if I'd succeeded. That's when I'd have got drunk on money and winning and I'd have started upping the ante and spending money that's not free. Then when I'd lost that I'd have spent more money trying to win it back... impulsive personality much? It's a slippery slope people.

Overall, it's not a positive experience. Playing poker with me never is...

1 comment:

  1. Look it up. Basically a simple computer program which is hidden one someone else's hard drive and games plays online poker for it's creator. It wins a lot. So the smart computer guy doesn't even have to be good at poker,

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