Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Thing 305 The Bloody Mary

Seen Anchorman? I'm going to assume you have, and if not, well I don't want to be directly addressing anyone who hasn't seen that masterpiece of movie-making one way or another. After the brawl scene Ron looks at the others and says "that escalated fast". It's a line I use more often than I should. Not in reference to fights, which I try to avoid these days, but in reference to slagging matches, or nights out that start with a quiet pint in Tom Collins's and end up with me falling asleep on the couch watching Madagascar at six in the morning, cold kebab still untouched on the coffee table... yep. I'm a classy bird.

This was just such a night. The Sluggery, you see, is populated with couples. Token Northy and Lady Northy. The Frenchman and Tiny Fairy. Pony Boy and Little Flower, and of course, I've got The Thief (for my sins, or for hers, we haven't decided who's come out better yet). Couple life means less nights on the lash for some reason. More nights in with wine and a movie. Dr Frasier shook me and The Frenchman out of our reverie. So we hit the town on the run... the result:
I'm a fantastic moaner. I moan and complain better than most people I know. Most people anyone knows really. I'm at my moany and complainy best when suffering the after-effects of too many pints of Guinness. A Saturday on the couch, trying to watch the rugby while considering the possibility that this might just be the one that gets me. Total sympathy from The Thief: Zero. Total sympathy from The Canuck: Infinity. He's good like that.

All too often he's in a similar state of bitter resentment and regret. So I was going to go to the shop and get the ingredients to make home-made ice cream. Comfort food as a Thing for the day seemed like a wonderous idea at that point. But there was no way I was going as far as Tesco without raising a moan like a bad mummy impersonator in a b-grade horror movie. That's when The Canuck asks if I'd ever had a "Bloody Mary" before. I had not.
Here's why it's a good Project Thing: The Bloody Mary is iconic. It's referenced frequently and hilariously in many parts of pop-culture, not the least of which is Family Guy. Most people know what it is, or have at least heard of it, but I doubt highly that all the people who've heard of it have ever experienced it.

It's legend is such that it's believed to be an instant hangover cure. I was skeptical on the grounds that if it worked that well then it would be owned by Microsoft, Apple or Big Tobacco and we'd pay an arm and a leg for it every Sunday morning when we went shopping for Sunday papers.

The Canuck though (pictured above, looking menacing) assured me of its virtues. It's made with vodka and tomato juice among other things. Can you actually think of two things that you'd like less when you're suffering from drink than those two? Maybe you can, try; pepper and celery. Yep they're in there too. Pepper and celery for crying out loud.
It smells so strong that I gagged. My tummy was feeling tender anyway like. The Thief wouldn't even look at me when I was drinking it. She'd turn away every time I went to take a sip. Meanwhile, everyone urged me to do it as a Thing, and applauded and cheered me on when I went to get the ingredients. Would they chance a glass themselves? Not a hope. Mind you, I don't blame them. The Canuck was looking particularly evil that night.

He was wrong on two counts that night: It didn't make me better and it wasn't tasty. It was rancid and made me wretch, and I think he might have been trying to poison me. I can't prove it... but I have my suspicions. We're putting that one into the "Never Again" category.

That Never Again box is filling up fast eh?

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