Monday, May 10, 2010

Thing 27 Wear Fake Nails

Good sweet Jesus, how do you women do this? A large part of this blog is dedicated to doing Things which will teach me more about how the Fairer Sex operates. This is because, like most men, I haven't a damn clue about women. Some fellas will claim that they know what's what in the lady-stakes, but, with the exception of a precious few, that's mostly bullshit. We don't know what's going on. Most women know this, and use it to their advantage. But we'll crack the code yet...

Still, hard not to have questions raised about your sexuality if you're mooching about town with ten lady-nails on.

Don't they look pretty though? Eh? The ones on your right there are my legit fingers, which have nails that are mangled by me biting them. I realise this is disgusting, but that's why it's called a bad-habit. And if it keeps the nails trim? Who's judging eh?

First and foremost; acknowledgments: Lady Northy, for her generous help in putting on the nails and getting me kind of high with the fumes of the glue. Dr Frasier for the photos, and the two women who work in the pharmacy on Cruise's Street for busting the arses' laughing at me when I went in to buy the fake nail remover. Now there's a conversation you don't expect yourself to ever have...

Can you picture yourself asking for fake-nail remover, and when you're asked what kind of fake nails, you just whip the hands out of the pocket and show the girl? And she was hot too. That's all kinds of embarrassing. She couldn't resist calling one of her friends to show her. Meanwhile I was still wearing my shades, because I wasn't sure if I could handle the mechanics of things with my stupid fake nails. I looked like a gimp.

The thing with the nails is that they don't make anything impossible to do, just very, very difficult. Simple crap that you take for granted now become serious chores: Changing the car radio station; opening car windows, taking change out of your pocket, removing car park cards, opening the newspaper, texting, fuck it, even drinking my coffee was more difficult. I guess that women learn to work around these little fences, but men have no idea, so while women have a certain grace about them with the nails, I just succeeded in looking like a complete tool. Well, that's life eh?

Then there's the fun of taking them off. I think the stuff is actually pure alcohol, and I think it got me a little high, so that's cool. Twice in a day. Result. Nails are all covered in glue still. And they look horrendous, but I'm a bloke, so I don't care...

Here's a photo of me not being able to use an i-phone correctly. Touch screen technology was never made for men wearing fake nails... bu to be fair, it's not a huge market, so not many people pander to it...


  1. Very interesting blog some video clips of you undertaking the things would get you loads of hits on youtube! Im addicted already

  2. Fake nail remover? Nah, be a man, get a knife, and just prise the buggers right off. That's what I ended up doing when my girlfriend thought it would be hilarious one time to glue these ridiculous pieces of painted plastic to my not-so-attractive manly-man nails. So she went about her job, and it did make me feel incredibly light-headed in the process (which seemed to take forever). Not sure if my headache the day after was down to the glue or the copious amounts of alcohol consumed at the time. I'm going with the former. Any excuse not to NOT get drunk again surely is a good thing right?

    The dare was for me to wear them for a week, with the intention to give my girlfriend a "really good laugh" and also make me feel as ridiculous and self-conscious as possible. It worked. Not sure which is worse - a guy with lady-nails handing over money to the checkout girl in the supermarket, or a guy handing over money while wearing gloves in the middle of summer. Both would set off alarm-bells in the person who is serving you. Funnily enough, getting the money out of my jeans pockets would probably have been easier had I wore big, woolly gloves.

    Alas to say, I lost the dare. I lasted little over 24 hours. Christ, I couldn't even button up my shirt (and worse, my trousers). Open a beer can? Forget it. Even the thought of scratching that itch inside my nose filled me with dread as I was scared I'd end up yanking my brains out. I felt like a hopeless kid again, my girlfriend taking the role of mother as she had to help me dress (just writing it down like that sounds a little, well, disturbing). The only thing I was good at (apparantly) was scratching my girlfriend's back, but while it obviously felt really good to her, it just felt weird to me, even a little frightening. Thoughts of those scenes in horror films in which we see the victim scrape and invariably lose their nails across walls while being dragged by a nasty man kept popping into my head. And I hate those scenes with a passion.

    My girlfriend told me that "you get used to them". I told her that "I didn't want to". So I grabbed a knife (that I'd been using to pry open aforementioned beer can(s)), and wedged it between the lady-nail and my natural nail. The fun was seeing if I could hit my girlfriend with the nail that would ping off and fly across the room (I had to get her back for this somehow after all). The worry was that my natural nail would fly off with them. Thankfully, my manly nails remained intact. Ha, take that sissy-nails! I could feel my sense of masculinity begin to return to normal with each one removed. Something that I felt completely devoid of while wearing these things - they made me feel emasculated so much that I swear I was even starting to develop a bit of a wiggle when I walked during those 24 hours.

    Thank the lord! I was a man again. And fortunately no one would have to endure seeing a prancing weirdo with lovely nails walking around with his shirt buttons undone and his trousers in danger of falling around his ankles. The first thing I did? Scratch that itch inside my nose.

    Did it make me appreciate the things that women choose to go through in making themselves feel more attractive? Nope. It resulted in me feeling even more confused as to why they would do it. Next up - walking in high heels...

  3. there is nothing wrong

  4. I have a 16year old sister and I lost a bet to her and she made me do the exact same thing she made me go to the solon and get them done the same way yours were done she made me keep them on till they came off and you are 100 percent right at first it makes everything harder but then you really do start to get used to your nails like that after awhile

  5. First on a dare a few years ago, but now I've done it randomly twice more, I've let my natural nails grow out almost a centimeter past the bed. A guy can get used to 'em. Long nails are bloody hell for mechanic's work, but I found I could do woodshop just fine. Here is the plus - letting your nails grow, if you don't tear 'em off accidentally, allows the nail bed - the attached part - to recover from biting & scraping and return to its natural proportion.