Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Thing 239 Conduct a Survey

Don't you look at me like that... I've a whole bunch of totally not made up excuses for why I've not been blogging. You can't prove that any of them are made up... The eircom guy was at our house because either me or Token Northy broke the internets. Then I got sick. It was unpleasant. The fewer details you know, the happier you'll be.

For my part, I can't unremember the feeling of Winter Vomit Bug. Shudder...

But I'm back, and even though I've thirty blogs to catch up on, I'm now fully dedicated to revealing pointless minutiae of my life for your semi enjoyment...

So... survey says: Pineapple is NOT acceptable on a pizza. Take that pineapple advocates. In your collective faces.

It's amazing how few people want to talk to a guy with a clipboard. I mean, really. You'd have sworn I'd grown an extra head and was carrying a gun with the way people scurried away from me. I'm not that unattractive surely? Maybe it's the smell... I shower infrequently...

So while I printed out fifty survey forms, I actually only ended up getting thirty two of them done. I also got told to go fuck myself. Charming. And a happy Christmas to you too young man.

I strolled the cold hard streets of Limerick for about an hour and a half, catching people who slowed down enough for me to actually engage them, or smokers outside pubs. I was like one of those charity muggers. Except I didn't want any bank details and my survey was WAY more fun than market research. Got a real taste of unfriendly too, but let's not linger on the negatives, they'll all get there's when I can come up with an elaborate Wile E Coyote style revenge plot...

Here were the questions, in case you didn't want to look at the picture up top there:

Sex: (That's not an offer, it relates to gender classification).
Age: (Don't slap me ladies, and I'll believe whatever lie you want to tell me...)
Is pineapple acceptable on a pizza: (This is to prove a point, of course it's not, dessert has no business on top of your dinner).
Coffee or tea: (Because Irish people have love affairs with both).
Who's the most famous person in the world: (This is also to prove a point. I refuse to believe that the results of this will be Simon Cowell. We're better than that right?)
What's the world's greatest invention: (Because I thought it would give me some interesting answers.
Best show ever on TV: (Surely the Simpsons no?)
What's the world's greatest Christmas movie: (Because I was movie shopping and wanted some inspiration. It's not a crime to exploit the Project for personal reasons).

The results:

56% against pineapple on a pizza. 38% in favour, with 6% abstaining from answering. With the exception of one woman, all those in favour of pineapple were men. It was roughly fifty-fifty males to females in the opposition to putting fruit on your dinner. Fruit. On your dinner. What the hell is wrong with you? (And yes, smart arses, I'm aware that tomato is technically a fruit, but it is, in fact, the exception that proves the rule).

Tea won the battle of the hot drinks (I love using the word battle to describe things - it makes them sound way more epic than they are). 50% in favour of tea, 13% voted for neither. LEaving 37% in favour of coffee. I guess it's not really that big a surprise: Mrs Doyle did more for Barry's Tea than ever a plantation did...

For the most famous person in the world we've got a massively disappointing tie: Barrack Obama the US President tied for first with 13% each along side The Pope (I'm not kidding) and.... wait for it....

Wait for it....


Yep. Jesus, The Pope and Barrack Obama captured 39% of the vote between them with every other candidate getting just a single vote each. Mind you, I think some people may have been taking the piss. Who's Charlie Swan when he's at home. Also; continuing the vein of not being able to answer basic questions, one person abstained from voting on the grounds that they didn't want to leave anyone out. Excellently Irish. By the way, Simon Cowell did get one of those votes... but in a refreshing spoiled vote, someone voted for me too. Take that X Factor!

With 31% of the vote; the humble wheel was rated as the greatest invention ever. It seemed like a boring answer. Once again, there were two votes for nothing. Nothing great has ever been invented apparently. Some honourable mentions: The electronic cigarette picked up a couple of votes. I think it might have been from the guys that were selling electronic cigarettes though... And my absolute favourite: Nuclear. What's the world's greatest invention: Nuclear. Class!!

Yellow and once upon a time hilarious, with 37% of the vote; The Simpson's was the survey's resounding winner of the greatest ever TV show category. Lagging some distance behind with 15% was Friends, and tied with Friends was Only Fools and Horses. Who'd have thunk it? Some notable mentions in this category: RTE Six One News, Eastenders, Glenroe and just one shoddy mention for Fr Ted... sickener!

Finally with a significant 45% of the vote, the clear cut, home and hosed winner of the all time greatest Christmas movie was Home Alone. Home Alone? Not Scrooged with Bill Murray? Not Elf with Will Ferrel? Or The Santa Clause with Dudley Moore? Nope. It was Culkin's face slapping antics and Joe Pesci's zaney antics that won the battle for Christmas.

An hour and a half or so later and I decided to call it a day. Total achieved: Not much. Spite encountered: Plenty. Total impact on your life: Zero.

Unless you happen to be one of them pineapple lovers... now I've got proof that you're wrong!


  1. So Dan, you did a little Irish-style family fortunes? A lot less predictable! I consider myself an expert at family fortunes but some of these answers threw me!

    By the way, get over the pineapple thing.

  2. The Santa Clause doesn't have Dudley Moore in it. That was Santa Claus The Movie. The Santa Clause was the one with Tim Allen in it.

  3. Little T: NEVER!! Never surrender. Never back down. I'll fight the pineapple on the beaches, on the landing grounds, in the fields and in the streets!