Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Thing 249 Make Eggnog

The Marx brothers would make better eggnog. Or at least they'd be more organised. Honestly, Token Northy leaves the house for one night and The Frenchman, Pony Boy and I destroy the gaff. I mean it was a spectacular mess. Which added to the stupidity of not knowing one way or another how to make eggnog in the first place. Badly organised, poorly arranged and too stupid to know better... here's how it went down.

We took down the recipe and instructions and went to the shop to get the stuff but forgot what we wanted to buy, and so we just bought a bunch of crap that we thought might end up being in eggnog. We weren't miles off. To be fair. Walking around Tesco - "this is probably in eggnog, this one too, and this one is almost definitely in eggnog". To add insult to injury, to mounting stupidity, we actually had a debate about whether or not there was egg in eggnog... Geniuses.

Then we got home and started the prep work. Made a bunch of the stuff the recipe said and threw it out when we realised we'd mixed it all at the same time. It was at this point that I felt we should have been adding Marx Brothers movie sound effects...

We started all over again.

The instructions were "followed" to the best of our ability. Which is to say that six year old children could do a better job of following simple instructions. To give you the most appropriate example that I can think of, here's the exact instructions given in the recipe we were using: "Place in the fridge and let stand for two hours until set". Here's what we did: Put it out the back garden, because it's minus six degrees. Twenty minutes ought to cover it...

Again... geniuses.

The recipe also called for rum, but all we had was whiskey. Same thing right? Sure. Why not. Nutmeg? Have we got any? No. Okay. Cayenne pepper do the trick? No. Fine. We'll do without.

All in all it took us over an hour and a half to make the eggnog, and in the meantime we destroyed the entire kitchen. And I mean ruined it. No pot was untouched. No glass or mug remained clean. We were all covered in flour - there isn't even flour in the recipe for fuck sake. How did we end up covered in flour? Seriously?
And what's the deep fat fryer doing out? I mean, really. Three grown men. If eggnog was a small child we'd have the plot for a hilarious 80's movie, minus the Tom Selleck moustache of pure glory.
Frighteningly enough, it turned out to be delicious. I really mean that. The Thief was skeptical, as was Tiny Fairy, and everyone assumed we were drunk off our asses, but we really weren't, and we hadn't gone insane from vanilla essence fumes. It was proper delicious. The Smiley One loved it. Fresh off the plane from Australia and her first night in Limerick she's treated to (and this is a direct quote from her) "the greatest eggnog ever made". Take that everyone else.

Who says three simpletons can't make good grog?
By the by, don't bother asking for the recipe, we made it up as we went along, and now none of us can remember...

Oh well. We'll always have that one glorious night.

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