Sunday, July 18, 2010

Thing 96 Bake Cookies

Alright alright... I take your point. No more baking crap. Well, one more... I've got Pavlova or some crap still to go, but i promise it'll be the last baking attempt I make as part of the Project. Honestly. I'm crap. Baking's not my strong point. Mind you, the bottle of rum didn't help. The Canuck loves his rum...

So for the remainder of this installment, actual recipe shall be in regular font, with my recipe in italics. This is so you can get a better grasp on why I'm crap at baking.

Take 125g of margarine or butter and mix it with 50g of soft brown sugar.
Get a big pile of butter and whack a load of brown sugar in on top of it.

Mix until fluffly and light.
Beat it with a wooden spoon till it's not one or the other.

Beat an egg and add it to the mix along with 225g of self raising flour.
Fire in an egg, pick out the bits of shell, whack it with a fork for a bit. Fire in some self raising flour. That's not enough. Fire in a bit more. Ooops. Too much. Spoon some of that back out.

Add some finely diced chocolate or peanuts.
Lash in a bag of peanut M&Ms.

Place in a pre-heated oven for 20-25 mins.
Place in a pre-heated over for 20-25 mins.
The Canuck warns me against adding pepper. He's right.

They weren't a total disaster, and they weren't like the shocking mediocre chocolate cake either - in fact, they were particularly delicious. But they looked all wrong, and they fell apart. Alot. It was actually just one big giant baking-tray sized cookie if I'm being honest. Tasty is the main thing right?


Okay. Well it doesn't matter, I told you I was retiring from the baking business anyway.
There's something very relaxing about the idea of baking cookies. It's been handed down to us from american television. After all, our ma's baked tarts and buns to cheer us up, not cookies. Sure nobody in Ireland ever even heard of a cookie till the mid nineties. But TV has taught us to associate cookies with comfort, and I think I might be just about suggestible enough to have bought into it. Too bad I'm shite at it.

Anyway, don't judge me. I can't bake, so don't call me if you need someone with great recipes or junk. If you've difficulty with word problems I'm your only man. Sadly, you can't eat crosswords.

Now where'd that Canuck put the rum...


  1. Do you have an email address I can contact you on Dan? I have something you may like to ad to your list? Susanne Mc D.

  2. For the Canuck!

    ***Canadian-style Christmas Cookie Recipe***

    1 cup of water
    1 tsp. baking soda
    1 cup of sugar
    1 tsp. salt
    1 cup of brown sugar
    2 oz. lemon juice
    4 large eggs
    1 cup chopped nuts
    2 cups of dried fruit
    1 bottle of Canadian Club whisky

    1- Sample the Canadian Club whisky to check quality.

    2- Take a large bowl, check the Canadian Club again, to be sure it is of
    the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

    3- Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy

    4- Add one teaspoon of sugar... Beat again.

    At this point it's best to make sure the Canadian Club is still OK, try
    another cup... just in case.

    5- Turn off the mixer thingy.

    6- Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried

    7- Pick the frigging fruit off floor...

    8- Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
    just pry it loose with a dewscriver.

    Sample the Canadian Club to check for tonsisticity.

    9- Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.... who giveshz a heet.

    10- Check the Canadian Club.

    11- Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

    12- Add one table.

    13- Add a spoon of ar, or somefink.... whatever you can find.

    14- Greash the oven.

    15- Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget
    to beat off the turner.

    16- Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

    17- Finish the bottle of Canadian Club.

    18- Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. Cherry Mistmas!

  3. is the email address for me Susanne. Drop me a line.