Saturday, July 17, 2010

Thing 95 Speak Only When Spoken To

Pixie Head tells me that when I have something to say, but for the purpose of sanity, and not getting a slap from herself, my chin disappears. There's a photo up there with Mini Pony - the least aptly named man anywhere. Pony Boy's little brother, who at 18 years old, shouldn't be towering that much above me... but I digress. My chin goes hiding. I spent the better part of the whole day today with a sneaky hidden chin. So much to say... so not able to say it.

My folks tell me that I was speaking before I was a year old. Mathematics tells us that I've been speaking for just over twenty five years. It's difficult to moderate one's speaking habits after years and years of non-stop talking. It may already have occurred to many of you, but I have lots to say and I pay very little attention to the manner in which I say it. Until today that is.

I think about 50% of what I say is unsolicited. Little quips and observations about the world and the people in it. I joke a little every now and again. Also, there's crossword time. I hold the paper and the pen and call out the clues for The Frenchman and Token Northy (and Big Red, Curtain Call, The Canuck, Spoon and Pixie Head). It's unsolicited. Nobody asks me to do it. Nobody says its okay. I rarely ask for permission to open my trap. I've never considered that it might annoy everyone before.

Not that I plan on changing my ways. There's no way I'm suffering today again.

They say that children should only speak when spoken to - it's considered polite. In adult life, it's the exact opposite. I spent the day being rude and ignorant to people. I didn't mean to be, but people expect a certain amount of talk. Then when you don't speak, they wait... very polite of them, but it makes me look like a complete ass.

Arabica's a lovely little coffee shop in Limerick City Centre, I like going there for lunch every now and again. The staff are nice too. Now I'm worried if I should give it a few weeks before I go back... I was positively rude to everyone. The waitress asked Token Northy what he wanted to eat. He told her. Then she turned and looked at me. I looked back at her. She waited. I waited. Nobody said anything. Token Northy sat silently trying not to break his arse laughing. I eventually pointed to what I wanted on the menu... what a douchebag I am. I left a huge tip just out of guilt. Points for Token Northy. He got a laugh.

To the shop for a newspaper. Handed the lady the Times. She smiled at me. I smiled back. She took my money. Handed me the paper. I walked away. I felt like a complete ass. Token Northy keeps smiling to himself.

To O'Connell's for my coffee fix. Thank the heavens that staff know me well enough to know my order, and I didn't have to ask for anything, thought I was on to a winner... Until Token Northy and The Frenchman started discussing how amazing Jedward are, and how important their contribution has been to the Irish image abroad... Urge to kill rising... But I resisted the urge to talk without being spoken directly to.

Now for transport. I've left my car at home so taxi it is. Pixie Head forgets my task for the day, so offers little in conversation. I've said nothing to the cab driver. I love talking to taxi drivers. The guy must have thought I was a complete tosser. I hate this stupid task!! It's nice chatting to people. Big tip for the cab driver too to make up for me being unpleasant.

Home then for dinner, and a new idea. Every time I wanted t speak, I'd put my hand up. I felt like a child all over again. Getting permission from housemates to talk is a sad moment for me. The Pixie Head always allowed me to open my trap though. Which is the main thing.

To be fair, they all could have been a lot harder on me than they were, but all in all it was an unpleasant day. I don't like feeling like a rude ignorant clown, but that's exactly what I was. Here's hoping large tips balance my karma...
P.S. The Token Northy bandwagon rolls on... sign up to his new facebook group. Today he thinks he's a walrus... Sorry lad, best mate you may be, but this has got to be done...

Sign up. It's fun.


  1. I dont think im a frigging walrus. I AM THE WALRUS! uncultured swine.

  2. The taxi was funny I onlyremembered you couldn't tell him where you lived when you started pointing and waving at your house. Sorry about that :P