Friday, August 20, 2010

Thing 129 Vegan For A Day

That's breakfast there. Bananas. Not a fry. Not even cereal and milk. Why? Because vegans are masochists. The Frenchman decided veganism is a "middle class, Western European fad" - and I think he might be right. Vegans don't eat any product of any animal. We're not talking about abstaining from meat, which is just vegetarian, we're talking milk, cheese, butter, eggs, even Guinness. Guinness for fuck sake. Because Guinness uses fish bladder in the refining process, vegans who've had a long day at work, and don't have work tomorrow, and want to pop around to the local with some friends can't have a pint of Guinness.

The question I have to ask is why? Why? Most websites tell me that it's because they care about animals. Do vegans think that cows care about giving milk? Cows that aren't milked regularly are in pain. Fact. Are they then torn apart by the idea that their milk is being used to make butter for your bread? Do they lose sleep at night thinking about it? I'd have assumed they'd be more insulted by "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter". Such is the concern of vegans for animals that you can't have muffins made with eggs. I'm sure the chickens are thrilled with their efforts.

So I had bananas for breakfast. I had specially picked potato-bread and some vegan beans in tomato sauce for lunch, same for dinner. It cost me easily twice as much as minestrone soup and some bread and ham would have cost. Are only rich people allowed to be vegan? Also, I spent more time on Google in the shop then I did picking the things up and paying for them. For seasoned vegans I'm sure it's second nature, for newbies, it must be a serious challenge to have to look up permission to eat and drink for every meal of the day.

Google also lead me to "Questions", which amounts to the vast majority of what I came across in terms of reference material. People who "wanted" to be vegan trying to find out what it was okay for them to eat and drink. Example: Coffee. I wanted my fix this morning, so I googled to see if it was okay. Half the websites I saw said yes, the other half said no. Apparently vegans can't decide on what's vegan and what's not. I'd have thought vegans would have been the most qualified to know what's vegan... apparently not. My day was spent online trying to decide what I was allowed to eat...

The other thing I discovered on my internet trawls was smug. I've never come across so much smug. It takes a niche group like vegans to take smug to these levels. I don't know folks... maybe I've missed the point, maybe there's a nobility and a virtue to veganism that I've completely missed. Maybe I'm ignorant and I've completely missed the point - but all I could find was masochists deliberately depriving themselves so they could feel smug, and then arguing about the degree of smugness that they were entitled to.

Vegans currently reading this, I've a new found respect for your discipline and your resolve, but I can honestly tell you that I find the entire vegan movement beyond stupid. If that's harsh... sorry. I just can't reconcile this way of living with what I call real life.
Pictured: Acceptable to vegans, but not acceptable to Guinness lovers...

P.S. If you're vegetarian or vegan stop reading now...

Tomorrow's breakfast will include mostly meat, eggs, butter, milk, and white crusty bread, muffins, and juice. I'm going carnivore like never before. Nom nom nom...


  1. Funny, I find you meat-eaters to be far more smug? For instance, declaring that not eating something that once had an asshole is somehow "masochistic". Hey, you're the one eating the carcass assholes!

  2. I never said vegetarianism was masochistic - I couldn't do it myself, but it's not masochism. But veganism seems like a daily form of self torture that I find has very little to do with practicality of purpose.

  3. Oh dear. I find this amusing. Like I'd love to become a vegetarian... and I probably will do at some point. But veganism.... it's plain awkward I think.