Thursday, August 5, 2010

Thing 114 Contact My Spirit Guide

What a spirit wolf looks like.
What an actual wolf looks like.

So my spirit guide is: A rabbit, a magpie, a badger and... a wolf.

Cliché or what. A wolf. I imagine there are fifty million* (*not a real guess) people out there that think that their spirit guide is a wolf. The reason for this is that no one wants a stoat to be their spiritual animal. Nor does anyone wish that the platypus is the creature that spiritually guides their steps. Nope. People want a noble animal that's wise and clever and is cool and edgy at the same time. The wolf fits the bill. No one ever stops to consider the snarling, drooling, ravaging beast aspect of the wolf personality. Just the cool bits they like. I'm cool with that though - it's clearly what I've done.

People like me, who don't believe in the relevance or possibility of a spirit animal, when asked to pick a spirit guide, even for a hypothetical game, will choose something cool. No one ever says cow, or ferret, or hippopotamus. Even the most skeptical people in the world, will sooner say fox or eagle than chinchilla or quail.

Tiny Fairy will kick my ass when she reads this - which is no mean feat, she's less than five feet tall, and weighs all of six stone. Bu she firmly believes in the spiritual and other-worldly junk that I think is... well, junk.

A guy with a PHD (which means he must be right eh?) called Steven Farmer wrote a book, which I went all the way out of my way to buy, called Animal Spirit Guides. It details the types of animals characteristics' that apply to your spirit guide. If you had a dream about a bull, then heard someone mentioning a bull in a conversation, and then turned on a tv show about bulls, it means that Bull spirit guide is trying to contact you. According to Dr Farmer (which sounds, ridiculously like two titles instead of a name), this means that: "This is a very fertile and dynamic time, so allow yourself to indulge in any creative projects you've been considering".

If you've been considering a creative project, I advise you to indulge the hell out of it right now and be damned with the "bull".

But this doesn't mean he's your spirit guide. For that you'll need forty minutes, a flat surface to lie on, a "crown chakra" which is up to you to find, and a healthy dose of suspended disbelief. I had all of those things. Hell, I've got barrels of suspended disbelief. I even like Nicolas Cage movies.

Lie on your back. Imagine your chakra swelling with inspirational white light... stop judging yourself for being stupid... allow the light to feed your body... continue trying not to feel like a twat... now step into the blackness in your eyelids. Yep. Step right in there. One foot at a time. Stop thinking about how stupid this is and step into the blackness of your eyelids. You there? Good.

Now you're faced with a door. Obviously. Behind the blackness of your eyelids there's always a door. Open it. Now there's a path. Well what else were you expecting? On the path is your spirit guide...

I'm so daft that this life has chosen four different animals to protect my spiritual path. One for everyone else, but the clown with the melon head gets four. I tried the spiritual journey, and for all my mockery, it was very, very relaxing. And sure enough at the end of it there was a badger, a wolf, a rabbit and a magpie. Apparently I need some proper spiritual babysitting.

Sitting right on the path, and judging the crap out of me were four animals. All of them small. I immediately considered kicking my own ass for even trying this Thing, but I surprisingly found myself enjoying sharing an awkward moment with four spiritual animals on an imaginary path behind my eyelids. Not often you meet anyone down that old road, but four animals at once...

I know I've spent the whole of this blog ripping the piss, but I'm actually glad I did it. I'm really pleased with it for a finish. And according to Farmer Doctor or whatever he's called, these seem like a pretty sharp combo of spiritual guides. They're attributes in the spiritual world pretty much cover all my bases. Thanks guys.

I think I've done pretty well for myself.


  1. Just listening to the radio... you are a legend!

  2. Heard you on Ray D'arcy today, brilliant! Now that you're all waxed, you might consider getting vajazzled (or manjazzled, or whatever). Google it. You know you want to. It's a lot less painful. Check out

  3. Stoats are freaking awesome animals man. I will never forget seeing one smack the shit out of a scrappy terrier that was like at least double it's size many years ago.

    Less Stoat bashing you!

    Otherwise, carry on. =)

    Dar (who can't log in for some reason).