Sunday, August 15, 2010

Thing 124 Invent My Own Country

One of the many clowns that I call friends who've hit the road for warmer climes these last few years is Dr Frasier. Some of Dr Frasier's gifts include a fine way with words, and a serious imagination. Some years ago the lad invented Barnavia, the fictional homeland of his fictional people. He uses it in everyday life. If he's cranky with you, then relations between his foreign affairs department have turned sour. If he's not talking to you, it's an embargo. If he's lending you money, it's because the Barnavian economy is booming, and he doesn't mind bailing out "lesser countries" central banks'.

It's a Grand Duchy, and it's national anthem is "Flashdance". Dr Frasier stands for the Barnavian National Anthem... classic. So I want one. So I'm having one. You can't stop me.

It's Danland. A small Kingdom, governed by a constitutional monarchy, whose focal point is the King, me. No decision gets made without my say so. Wanna take a leak? Ask the king... Nah, I'm kidding, I'd be plagued. Who has the patience eh? No laws will be passed without my say so though. First and foremost; reality TV shall be banned on the grounds that it's bad for people's intelligence. Foreign stations can broadcast into Danland, but anyone found watching Big Brother will be liable to public shaming. Any Big Brother contests found within the borders of Danland will be arrested and tortured.

The normal sports are encouraged at every opportunity, but special Government grants and subsidies are awarded to Beerpong Teams and anyone who plays Ultimate Frisbee. Beerpong is the national sport, in fact, and the Bier D'Or Premier League is shown on terrestrial television channels at 11pm on a Saturday night.

The Capital City has several statues at various places, they depict: Stephen Fry, Paul O'Connell, Patrick Steward, Stewie Griffin, Eric Cantona, Optimus Prime, Richard Harris and Mark Wahlberg... just kidding. Mark Wahlberg's only got a street named after him.

Philosophy is taught in secondary schools, all of which are mixed gender. Uniforms are banned. Teachers are rotated every five years into different schools. Most menial crimes are punished by ritual public humiliation instead of jail sentences. X-Factor is considered a punishment, with some repeat offenders being forced to watch Simon Cowell in slow motion. And of course the dreaddddddddful Paula Abdul. School doesn't finish at 18, it finishes after the age of 16, up to any age you like, and anyone can rejoin school at any age for any reason. Who'd want to, says you? Well, if school wasn't such a crock of shit, you'd probably want to get back in too.

Anyone can be nominated for election to Government by a group of more than 100 people, after which, primary elections narrow down the candidates to a panel which faces election. Anyone elected has to be ratified by The King, this prevents facebook campaigns from electing morons. Hell, I'm as guilty as the next person, I signed a petition to have Ireland entered into the World Cup as the 33rd team... boy do I feel silly.

Foreign Policy will be dictated by three things: what Stephen Fry tells me, who's being nice to me at any given time, and coin flips. Better hope for good luck, otherwise we'll be falling out.

All hail Danland.

P.S. The National Anthem is the "Oh No You Didn't" Theme song from Mercenaries II.

That's the link if you'd like a look.


  1. Your so tapped lol. I want to see that statue of Optimus Prime, Is it life sized ?

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Life sized? You mean a 1-foot tall statue of Optimus Prime? That's an action figure.