Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Thing 153 Spider Hunt

I have named him Dedalus. If you ask me why, I'll give you a cryptic answer that relates to poetry, or ancient mysticism. It'll be a lie. I've named him Dedalus on a complete whim. He's about the size of the palm of my hand from front foot to back leg. He's big and he's exceptionally creepy.

I've deceived you somewhat with the title, for that I'm sorry, but that doesn't make this any less skin crawlingly awful, it just makes me an awful lot girl's blousier. I didn't hunt him. He didn't require stalking. He's not dangerous. He's just a house spider. Apparently this is their time to shine... At least that's what Dr Frasier tells me, sometimes I wonder does he make things up for fun to make me look silly. Spider Season.

(It's like Shark Week on Discovery channel, except with arachnids. So effectively, it's absolutely nothing like shark week. Sorry)

So we're clear: I'm not afraid of spiders. They hold no fear for me. But, and I think that even the brawniest, manliest, testosteroniest, will admit; they're creepy little bastards. Especially the big ones. They scuttle. I hate things that scuttle. They move into your gaff and think they own the blasted place. We named the one at the front door Simon. He's just there all day - hanging out in his web.

In previous spider hunts, the easiest way to remove them, is a sheet of A4 paper and a glass. Trap them in the glass, slide the paper under, bring them outside. Let them loose.

For today's spider hunt (actually yesterday's, I realise I'm a day late with the blogging). I had to pick up Dedalus there. With my hands. Nought else.

Sounds easy.

The noise I made when he scuttled over my hands and up my arm can't be replicated in text. It was something like, but not limited to: Eeeeeeiouuuuughhgggggeeiiiiiiiiingg.... Except it lasted less than a second and came out a decibel range I didn't think I could reach. Classy. Manly. Tough.

I dropped him. He ran behind the counter. I walked over. This time, I thought I'd just cup my hands over him and sort of scoop him up. In my head Token Northy's voice cold be heard... "suck it up. It's just a spider". Damn pushy Northy, criticising me in my own head.

This time he made for under my sleeve. I think I reached an impressive five feet in the air. He hit the ground. All in all, it took five attempts to pick him up. I am in fact, a giant girls blouse.
Curse you Dedalus... He lives out in the back garden now... plotting his way back in.

I decided to add something else for the day to cover my outrageous spider shame. It's still only counting as one Thing for blogging purposes. I just really felt like making up for how ridiculously badly I handled a very trivial task.

Ever heard of Lamebook? If not, and you know what facebook is, then you're in for a treat.

Lamebook. That's also a link. You can click on it. Seriously... it's okay...

I realise you're going to have to zoom in like hell to see that photo down there, but Token Northy started something amazing... and we all got in on it. Take a TV show, swap one letter, or add one letter, or subtract one letter to make a brand new show... probably not a suitable one considering how childish we all are, but funny nonetheless.

Examples for Irish people: Reeling in the Bears. A classic look back over archive footage of people trying to capture bears in the wild using a fishing rod. Also, Feather Ted, an animated series about a very religious piece of a bird's wing.

For the Minnesotans (is that right? Is there such a thing as a Minnesotan?) and the other Americans, and in fact, for all the non Irish people, here's some US TV hits: Prison Freak - a tense thrill ride show about a prisoner trying to escape from a maximum security holding, who also has a foot for a face. And, coming this "Fall" (Autumn, just call it autumn); MTV Crabs, the reality show where MTV invites itself to some happening mansions, and checks the owners for sexually transmitted infections.

What a fun game.

Token Northy posted it on his facebook page, The Frenchman, Big Red, Top Cat, Lady Northy and myself, as well as the Ozzie at the start, all waded in with our contributions. Some of them were so funny I thought I was going to cry laughing.

So I submitted to Lamebook. Two things done today. One covered in shame. The other in glory...
Feel free to zoom all the way in... you should really have a look at this...


  1. Of course I have to say what about "bare in the big blue house"

  2. i'm absolutely creased up laughing..golden stuff..