Saturday, September 4, 2010

Thing 144 Sword Play

Kids; don't play with knives. They're sharp and dangerous. Or do. Whatever. I'm not your mom. Couple of confessions coming up here folks; I love fantasy novels. I'm not talking about pornography, you sickos. I'm talking about knights, and magic, and dragons and most importantly; swords. I like them so much I saved up two hundred euro when I was wee to buy a Roman Gladius, just to hang on my wall. Sadly, the store that was selling them went out of business. I guess it's for the best. Three-Finger-Mooney would have been a difficult nickname to get through secondary school with.

Sword fighting is an art. It's not just whacking the other person with a big sharp knife. It's about balance and dexterity and speed. When to strike, how to lash out without lowering your own guard. In our case, it's about slicing fruit. Because me and The Canuck are simply not responsible enough to have a swordfight in which neither of us will die or lose massive amounts of blood, we took the sword and chopped fruit with it. Except, you know, with force. Excessive force.
I mean, who needs their watermelon sliced like this eh? Me. That's who. I should add for the record, that this sword is technically a "decorative replica" and not a deadly weapon. Tell that to the imaginary bad guy, who was shaped like a watermelon, that I sliced up real good. This "Cutter" was a short sword, length of about a gladius (roman swords) with a curved head, which was heavily weighted. Most effective if striking downward, but looks way cooler if you're slicing sideways into an evil magician's head, that looks like a watermelon.

What better way to blow off steam after a couple of night shifts in a row then to take a sword to some fruit? Honestly. I never thought I'd ever have the context in which that sentence would seem appropriate. Sweet.
Additional confession: I have a mild obsession with the Zombie phenomenon. Training for zombie apocalypse seems only prudent, and Cutter would have made an excellent addition to a zombie survival pack. Short, easy to handle, relatively light, excellent zombie killing weight.... Till the damn Canuck broke it. Apparently it's not enough to cut off the head of the zombie who looks like a water melon, smashing it into last week is the way forward... He broke our sword and ruined Cutting Day.
Pictured: Scorn.

Our watermelons were thoroughly defeated, but the other bad-guys Sir Pineapple and Lord Regular Melon still had to be vanquished, and The Canuck broke the only sword we had.

I think I'll go out and buy a new one. Like I say, there's something satisfying about chopping fruit with a sword, and catharsis is always good for one's brain.
P.S. I included this photo because it's hilarious to me. It's like Whack-A-Pony...


  1. With the FCA protecting us from the cut-out paper men & you taking care of the grocery offence, why, I believe we can all sleep soundly in our beds. Thank you Super Project!

  2. What will Dr. Frasier think when he sees you attacked a defenceless big fruit?