Monday, April 26, 2010

Thing 13 Bake a Cake

It's cake. And I made it. This is more difficult than I thought it would be. Pixie Head makes awesome cake. Token Northy's mam makes another awesome cake. So does my ma. I've never baked anything. I'm handy around the kitchen when it comes to lunch, dinner and the occasional fry-up breakfast. But I don't bake... Never have, and never considered that I would.

It starts with a hunt for recipes. And in the middle of the game, Pony Boy gets to lick a wooden spoon. Here's a photo:
Seriously, I trawled the 'net for recipes. I needed some serious help. I wouldn't even know where to start. Most of them had stuff like "nutmeg", "ginger", "half-crushed almonds" and other junk that I don't remember and couldn't pronounce if I tried. Chicken and leek stroganoff I can cook - chocolate cake is a complete mystery. Lasagne, roast stuffed pork steak, potato gratin: no sweat. Chocolate cake: What??

I also made an outstanding mess. The kind of mess than only a rank amateur could make. Butter everywhere. Flour covering me, most of which Pony Boy fired at me for the laugh. Chocolate junk covering more crap than I actually used. Total amount of mess made: Three pots. Two dishes, Five spoons, a fork, three glasses, one counter top, one hob, and most of the sink. Amateurs make this kind of mess.

And the result: Pretty mediocre stuff. It was okay, not great. Like cofftea actually. Except not as weird. It's just basic chocolate cake. Seriously - all that mess, for mediocre cake. It wasn't even moist, or at least only kind of moist. Which is in itself a pretty odd word. And having had Token Northy and Pony Boy tuck in as well, we've still got a half a mediocre cake. What does one do with a mediocre cake? You can't give it to visitors - that's pretty crap. "Hey, welcome to my house, I'm so glad you came, here have some mediocre cake". It's like saying you're glad someone visited, but not that glad, and get out now, leave immediately. Why not just stick two fingers up at your guest when they walk in the door...

I'm putting it down to inexperience, next time I'll bake cake that says; you're welcome to my house, and I'm glad you're here. Leave within the next fifteen minutes to half an hour. I'm building up to cake that says; If you leave I'll cry. Though it's going to taste phenomenal, I feel it could come off as a little clingy...

To add insult to injury, because we ate it, I can't have it smashed in my face tomorrow, which was the plan for tomorrow's Thing. You can't really whack a guy in the face with half a mediocre cake. That's all kinds of wrong. Even a guy with flour on his face...


  1. Ill make alemon merangue that will go everywhere to mush into your face if you'd like but you have to wait till thursday.

  2. I made a fricking delicious chocolate sponge cake there a while ago Moist, fluffy, melt-in-your-mouth delicious. Just saying

  3. I'll do you a cake this evening if you want one. bannoffee will do the job nicely, i'd say.

  4. Chicken & leek stroganoff? Somebody got the Jamie Oliver book for Christmas, eh?