Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Thing 192 Drive like a Geriatric

First of all, thank you South Park for providing me with numerous ideas that amuse me no end. Also thanks for all the laughs. Most importantly of all, thank you for Randy Marsh, the funniest character in the show. The second two are not relevant to the project though, so we'll stick with the first one.

Second of all, it's never prudent to attempt to photograph yourself while driving. Other things that are imprudent while driving include: Making coffee. Texting. Playing air guitar while attempting to negotiate bends. Cursing at George Hook and solving complex equations. Because of this imprudence, the only photo you get to see is that one from South Park. Try not to miss my face too much.

I suffer from the road rage. There's no point in denying this. Anyone who's been in a car with me for ten minutes gets treated to a running commentary laced with expletives regarding the manner and conduct of other drivers. The exceptions are old people and learners. I don't know why I exclude old people, I guess I just figure there's no point in being mad at someone for being safe. I do know a long list of people who dislike elderly drivers.

The problem with road users is that generalisation is easy: Men drive too fast. Women can't park. Old people drive too slow. Cyclists are all annoying and smug. Merc drivers think they own the road. The list of generalisations is long. You can be certain that not everyone conforms to these stereotypes. But I fins generalising amusing... so here's today's Thing.

I took the new tunnel and dual carriageway from home to work, then from work to town. Before I left I pushed up my seat close to the steering wheel. I leaned forward and I grasped at the wheel like it was holding me up. Then I set off on my painfully slow, merry little way...

I drove at about fifteen to twenty miles an hour under the limit. I indicated approximately three minutes before I actually started the turn. I stopped at a yield sign. I watched people get mad. Then I laughed my ass off when the passengers in the cars overtaking me did a double take and looked puzzled. "He's not fifty five thousand years old, he's in his twenties".

Drivers out there will understand this. When stuck behind someone driving in a particular manner, it's automatic to decide, by their car type and mannerisms, exactly what type of driver they are. For example: I'm behind a Honda Civic, it's edging toward the line looking for an opportunity to overtake all the time, it does so and accelerates quickly. I'm thinking: Twenty something boy racer with about as much sense as he has petrol in the tank (not a lot).

So everyone behind me just assumed old person. I know I'm occassionally an old man in my head, but this was hilarious.

On the way back to town, but this time it was dark, so no one could see me, and I couldn't see anyone. Basically, a pointless exercise that I got no fun out of... at least the trip to work was a laugh.

1 comment:

  1. This stuff is brilliant. You have to publish this as a book when all done!