Monday, October 11, 2010

Thing 180 Roll a Cigarette

The above photo contains, in the background, a spoon, a chopping board, tissue paper, a beer box and Dairygold "butter". Anyone with an imagination could look at that photo and just assume that what I was making was some kind of lethal drug concoction. I don't know where the Dairygold would come into it, but I thought this looked instantly suspicious. Anywho...

Far be it for this Project to advocate smoking, but despite the efforts of various governments, anti smoking lobbies and health advocates, smoking still looks kind of cool. I'm sorry. I know loads of people would disagree, but James Dean and Frank Sinatra were cool. Movies make smokers look cool.

In addition; people who roll their own cigarettes look even cooler than people who smoke straight from a pack. There's just something a little bit edgy about it. I say that now, and The Frenchman, Spoon and Pony Boy are going to be chuffed. I wasn't talking about you bums, I was talking about cool people. Ahem.
The first significant problem on my journey to rolling a cigarette was of course, the ridiculous permanent shake in both my hands. I don't know where it comes from, and I keep promising myself that I'll go find out, but I never do. Everyone assumes it's a drink related thing - I think it's a coffee related thing. I've got way too much caffeine in my diet...

So here's the Dan Mooney Step by Step Guide to rolling your own cigarette (I consider myself an expert now that I've done this once):

1: Take a piece of rolling paper and place it on the counter, upside down. Realise your mistake. Turn it over. Pick it up off the floor because you've dropped it.

2: Take some tobacco. Put some back. You've taken way too much. How much is too much? Hell if I know. Put a little more back. Add a little more.

3: Add a filter to one end. Change your mind and put it at the other end. Try to remember if you're left or right handed. Put it back in the first place you put it on realising that you're right handed (the reverse for lefties, obviously).

4: Fold the lip on onside carefully underneath the paper on the far side of the filter. Repeat as many times as is necessary when you spot that you did it wrong the first time.

5: Roll it gently between your fingers, the paper will cause the tobacco to line itself up tidily. Or else it'll all fall out on the counter. Whatever.

6: Carefully lick the sticky bit along the edge of the "top side". Don't slobber on it. That's disgusting.

7: Light it up.

8: Look cool.
It's an art. What I can't get my head around is people who manage to successfully pull off this operation when in a crowded nightclub. It seems unlikely that I'd have the dexterity to carry this out. What's more likely is that I'd get frustrated, blame someone else and throw them some filthy looks.

It's kind of my fall back position.

P.S. Don't smoke. It's bad for you. And it's expensive. And it's smelly.

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