Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Thing 209 Crack A Walnut with a Sledge

If I can describe a rainy day as a monsoon, I'm happy. If I can hear a song I enjoy and tell you that it gave my ear an orgasm, I'm happy. This is ground already covered, but I do love hyperbole. Dr Frasier is quite literal, which is fine if you're so inclined, but I think life is more fun if every minor story could involve dragons. Honestly, some of my stories involve dragons. And I think I can get away with it. I think people will buy it. They do not.

The phrase "cracking a walnut with a sledge" pretty much sums me up. Why use ten words when three hundred will do? Why let it slide when I can rant about it for an hour and a half? Why use one or two bad analogies when you can load up this entire paragraph with them? See what I mean?

When I added this to the list people told me they didn't get it. I told them it was a real phrase that I didn't totally make up. No one believed me. Apparently I lack credibility. It might be the beard.

It's totally a real phrase. Have a look.

It's one of them there analogies that I like to stretch out. Like walking in Pony Boy's shoes for a mile. Or looking for a needle in a haystack. Next to hyperbole, I like being smug. So when the Project is over, and someone mentions smashing a walnut with a sledge, I'll be smug, and I'll mention how I've done that before. And be smug.

The sledge is a nice heavy hammer, clumsy, difficult to wield and hard to aim. The walnut is a small but tricky little nut that would be difficult to hit with a regular hammer. With a sledge, it was damn near impossible, and swinging that massive yolk while giggling like a child makes it even harder.

Smashed it good though. What was left of the nut wasn't fit to eat, which I guess is most of the point when it comes to walnuts. I wasn't hungry anyway. I was all for smashing things. And I slaked that thirst...


  1. First off. Real men break wallnuts with their hands.
    Secondly, "So when the Project is over, and someone mentions smashing a walnut with a sledge" is never going to happen. You made tht expression up.

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  3. Oh yeah, while you're on litteral metaphor thing. If you can borrow a baby and some bathwater...