Thing 6 Walk a Mile in Someone Else's Shoes

Good Lord Pony Boy has some giant feet... You know what they say about men with giant feet right.... meh, I haven't the energy for a bad penis joke that you've all already heard. And besides, it's crass.

So anyway, he's got giant feet, and as a corollary to this, he also has giant shoes. They're like god damn barges. You could smuggle Dr Frasier and his entire County Clare family over the border into Limerick in one of these things. You could attach some wings to those bad boys and take off from our drive way in them. He loaded one of them with passengers and tried to sail it across the Atlantic Ocean in 1912, with disastrous consequences... You get where I'm going with this.

They don't fit me. They're a little bit roomy for my size 9's (9 1/2 on my left foot, I don't know why that one's bigger).

So anyway, I think it was Billy Connolly who said: "Before you judge someone; walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their frickin' shoes". Wise, wise words.

It's an expression I've always been fond of mind. Walk a mile in someone's shoes, is an instruction to try to know someone else's problems, and the road they travel before you aply your life to them. It seems like pretty solid advice if you ask me. I think we're all guilty of firing about the judgements too quickly.

So I did it. I walked a mile in someone else's shoes, but not figuratively. I put on Pony Boy's shoes, and me, him and Dr Frasier all walked a mile. Nice evening for it too. Not too chilly. Still some brightness left in the sky. Quick dander up the road and back...

So from now on, when someone tells me to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, I can safely say, I've already done it. Enjoyed it. And I'm going to judge you anyway...

:)

I crack myself up...

P.S. Finally starting to impose some organisation on this Project. Tomorrow's Picnic on a Roundabout, Wednesday is Play Softball, Thursday is Attend a Drag Show and Friday is See the Book of Kells. All pretty worthy. Keep the suggestions coming too folks, otherwise Token Northy gets to give them all, and he's sadistic as hell....

Thing 5 Write a Fan Mail

Oh yeah... Senator Norris. He's awesome.

This dude took on The Constitution of Ireland because of it's complete homophobia, and went all the way to the European Court of Human Rights. When did he do this? In the 1980's, when this country was twice as backwards as it is now. And he's hilarious. The dude's a legend. So it's only right and proper that I should send him some fan-mail...

It's not easy though. I'm not good at paying people compliments. Still he's a legend so I did it.

And here it is...

Senator Norris,

For what it's worth, I'd like to add my voice to the many others in this country now calling for you to stand for President. Your record as a Senator, a human rights activist and a broadcaster speaks for itself, and tells the story of an intelligent, educated, articulate and forward thinking man. Your many public appearances for television and radio show a side of you that's both funny, caring and considerate. It's this combination of qualities that make you the ideal candidate for Presidency.

Your wit and personality remain a bright light in a political landscape that's become increasingly dark, dreary and lacking in any form of colour. The Senate's become the focus recently after suggestions that it should be dissolved. In the event that this happens, I urge you to remain in political life - stand for Dáil Éireann, and become a TD, because without characters like you, the political landscape will be completely bereft of the type of politician that's really required now. Intelligent, educated, witty and tough, with charisma and charm as much as sense and determination.

In matters of human rights you're also to be commended. Taking on the establishment in country where homophobia remains rife even today, must have been a tall order in the 1980's. As we continue to catch up with the rest of Western Society, I do hope that you're contributions will be remembered.

I hope this letter finds you ready for the long road for campaigning, and I know that you'll embrace the challenges facing both a Presidential Campaign and the presidency itself with the vigour, charm, enthusiasm and determination that only you can.

Good luck

Sincerely,

Dan Mooney

So anyway, i know it's a little gushy and I've come across like a bit of a tool, but I don't care. The man's a legend. I thought about it for a while before I settled on him. I was thinking I might go for Patrick Stewart, maybe Denis Irwin, or even Declan Kidney, but Senator Norris just seemed like the right one to go for. Here's hoping he does run for President.

Thing 4 Write My Name With My Toes

Firstly: Feet are disgusting. It's a personal opinion thing. I don't like feet. Not mine, or anyone else's. I'm sure yours are lovely feet, but without having seen them, I can tell you safely that I don't like them. Sorry.

Secondly: I know this a kind of a dumb Thing to have on The Project, but I've really never used my feet for anything other than walking, running and standing, so it's about time they got some diversification right (or in this case, left)?

If you're short of inspiration, or think that you've got it tough in life, then have a look at this guy's life-story and his long, long list of achievements:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christy_Brown

Or watch the movie My Left Foot. Pure genius.

So anyway, that's the serious bit done. On to the laughing. At me. Certainly not with me. Sitting in the gaff on my own. Thorny Wire still in Cork, Token Northy and Pony Boy in Kerry, and me sitting in on a Saturday night with a pen in between my toes and an A4 on the ground trying to write my name. You may point and laugh..... now!

It's odd how little control we have over our own bodies when you think about it. Opposable thumbs were a smart evolutionary idea, but we pretty much decided to stop being dexterous with everything else shortly after we levelled-up from monkey. We stuck our feet in shoes - thank God, and promptly ignored them from then on. We can wiggle the big toes, but the others are just little lumps sticking out of the tops of your extremities. And they're manky looking.

So, to recap; they're not attractive (though some people have crazy ass foot fetishes), and they're kind of useless, save for standing up on. Let's see if we can't put them to good use...

So I wrote my name with my feet. See for yourself...

Eh? Eh? Impressed? No? Me either... I doubt highly that the bank would accept it on a credit card receipt. It really is funny how little control I've got over my own feet. Still, it was fun, and it's another Thing I've never done.

Now to look ahead for tomorrow....

Thing 3 Burn a Book

Alright, let me start by saying I'm not, nor will I ever be, in favour of burning books. Proper book burning ceremonies have been used by different dictatorships and regimes to censor independent thought, to control masses and to brainwash their public. I put it on The Project only because I knew that it was something that was totally new to me, and that's what this is all about....

Mind you, turned out to be great craic.

Self help books resist flames, apparently.

It's a difficult thing to try to decide: Which book will I torch for my own rather twisted form of amusement? The selection policy was based on my own, sometimes nerdy, sometimes pompous sense of taste. That rules out comics, science fiction or anything about zombies (I warned you, I'm a giant nerd, there's pretty much no point in denying it, everyone knows...). It also rules out any of the classics, since I appreciate a thoroughly good book, particularly one which has contributed to society. Also ruled out are cookbooks, because they're my secret love (not anymore eh?). I couldn't possibly burn a kids' book either, not in good conscience anyway...

It's going to have to be something I hate. Something that I loathe with every bone...

Chick Lit? Nah... I don't hate it enough. It's annoying, and I'll pretty much never read another one ever again, but it's not that deep down in the pit of your stomach hatred.

The Twilight Series? Now there's a possibility. That's got potential. Quite literally millions of people everywhere have been drawn in by this utter nonsense... but I think I've just transferred my loathing of the movie onto the book. I've never even read them, so I know where my ire really lies.

Self-help books? Bingo.

"How many of you have self-help books? Okay, that's your first problem. You can't help yourself, because your *self* sucks!"

That's my favourite quote from the 2006 movie School for Scoundrels, delivered as only he can, by Billy Bob Thornton. I loathe the idea of a quick fix. That whatever problems you've run into in your life, that a book can tell you how to fix them. One book. Six billion people on the planet, all with different experiences, all with different outlooks on the world, all with different problems... which apparently can be solved by one book. That's just stupid.

So the new problem is which self-help book, with all its smug, self-righteous preaching should I burn? Pixie Head has the answer. She's a useful one to have about...

It's called The Secret, and apparently millions of people all over the world have taken great comfort from it. I lasted twelve pages before my gag reflex started to act up... It's a book that tells you how to get anything you want. Literally. Anything. New car? The Secret's got the answer. Religious enlightenment? The Secret will tell you where to go. Want to fall in love and get married? The Secret has a friend that would so suit you, and you'll both be married and happy in no time. It's the miracle book for people who don't want to actually learn anything from life...

Token Northy calls me a Nazi, and I've to grudgingly admit that I'm enjoying burning the book way more than I thought I would.

There's a self-righteous, pompous, snobby, Neanderthal pyromaniac lurking inside me. It's a weird feeling, because I'm definitely against the burning of books. I'm against any form of censorship or thought-control. I'm in favour of different opinions and new ways of looking at things, so this really should go right the centre of what I don't like... but I like burning things.

Here's a photo of me being a pyro...

To be honest, I'm kind of glad I've got this one done. Thing 4 is tomorrow... what to do, what to do...

P.S. Keep the new suggestions coming. Some of them are awesome, and it's starting to pick, so we might actually get a finalised list by next month. Please and thanking you....

Thing 2 Coke and Mentos Thing

This is a picture of disappointment. This is what disappointment looks like. Sort of bubbly and foamy, and almost certainly flat. The Frenchman referred to this as a "science fail". I'm forced to agree. And epic science fail. Wile E. Coyote was more successful than this... honestly.

It's one of those kind of urban myths you always hear about. The euro version of pop-rocks and coke in the US. We've got diet Coke and Mentos sweets.

The hype says: If you drop Mentos into Diet Coke a massive explosion will occur. It'll be epic. You'll be covered in fizzy cola, the plastic bottle will be ripped apart, as much by dint of pure awesomeness as by the chemical reaction. Your friends will be impressed. Women will fall in love with you. Movie stars will tell in interviews of how they're your friend. Epic science victory.

The reality says: Some Coke will fizz up and pour out of the top of the bottle. Some of the garden stones in your back yard will get wet, and later sticky (and not in the good way). You'll have made a mess and ruined some perfectly good Diet Coke (and in our case, some reasonably priced Tesco Cola). Anti-climactic science fail.

Dr Frasier, Token Northy and The Frenchman were equally underwhelmed. I've seen episodes of Fair City that didn't let me down this much. Here's a picture of Dr Frasier and me, being unimpressed:

So we're off to a bad start eh? I smoked a cigarette through my nostrils while half up to my neck in beer and wearing a tennis outfit, and I've made some Diet Coke fizz.... hardly earthshaking stuff. Tomorrow's another day...

Thing 1 Smoke a Cigarette Through Nostrils

Did you know that your nose is basically just a lump sticking out of the vertebrates that have evolved to protect your nostrils? Yep. That's what it is. For breathing out of, and for smelling with is what we know it's for... For smoking out of? No. That's ridiculous surely...

So The Project starts with the stupidest, most Jack-Ass style disgusting junk I put on there. Basically, it's my birthday. My mates are having fun, there's a party slowly developing around me, and I totally forgot to organise something to do to kick off The Project. Yep... Stupid is as stupid does.

So I decided to pick the "Smoke Cigarette Through Nostrils" bit. Calling it revolting is only the start of how manky it is. My nose hairs are singed. I smell only cigarette butt. My beer tastes like crap... Stupid Project. The nose, awesome as it is, was never designed for this crap. So this blog post should be dedicated to the memory of me being able to smell things; cakes baking, food cooking, grass being cut fresh, a big cup of coffee brewing. These things I must now live without. Smells are totally underestimated.

I spoke with Big Red, Dr Frasier and a few others over coffee about how smells can totally transport you back to your childhood. Something triggers an emotion and the memories come flooding back... not for me anymore. Sad face.

But at least we've kicked off eh? The long road just begins. For photographic fun, check out the profile pic here on Blogger.com, cos it's proof that I did something that disgusting. Here's hoping the rest aren't as manky...

Good God there's only three days left...

Okay so here's the deal. I got all caught up in moving into the new house, and the subsequent parties, messing and general camaraderie that goes with that (Beerpong rocks by the way), so I still haven't finished The List. This is vexing, since I've got three days till the start of the Project (that's right, I said vexing, it's a real word, and I'll use it even if you are judging me). So I came up with a cunning plan... Baldrick Style... The Project starts on Wednesday, my 26th birthday, as planned, and I fill in the other 98 Things I need before I run out of days to do them in. This way, I still get to beg for your help, and I get to do fun stuff. Who loses? Nobody. Except society.

So, the problem now, if you want to call it that, is that I don't know what to start off with. I was going to go with smashing a guitar, or maybe a horse racing meet, but I'm open to all manner of suggestions... wink wink. See what I did? I made a sexy joke...

Updates on the progress of The Project starts officially this Wednesday. hands up if you're excited about it...

Now hand up if you're just excited... (Another sexy joke, I'm on a roll....)

Here's the latest update of Things so far...

Be naked for a day
Eat a raw egg
Smash a guitar
Meet a pornstar
Sleep rough
Dress in drag
Streak
Lie down under a wind turbine
Scuba dive
Hack into a computer
Get onto a bus to an unknown destination
Play a song on a guitar
Fight in a boxing match
Invite a stranger to dinner
Cut someone else’s hair
Chop down a tree
Wakeboard
Jump out of a moving car
Kiss a monkey
Write a computer program
Put something on YouTube
Plant a tree
Run a marathon
Climb a mountain
See the Eiffel Tower
Go a day without electricity
Visit a sensory deprivation tank
Go on a vision quest
Make and eat a salad
Eat blue steak
Write a fan mail
Make a bath of jelly.
Make a three figure bet
Swim in the Shannon
Drive or sail a boat
Wear all clothes inside out
Go fishing
Milk a cow
Have a spin in a chopper
Punch a clown
Do the skateboard “olly”
Go speed dating
Eat sushi
Go to a Star Trek convention
Bake a cake
Get a tattoo
Build a treehouse
A night out with no booze
Kiss the Blarney Stone
Start a fire from scratch
Knit a scarf
Smoke a cigarette through my nostrils
Fire a real gun
Cycle through a drive thru
Cycle to work
Be blind for a day
Make pottery
Back, sack and crack wax
Spin the bottle
Be someone’s slave for a day.
Get a piercing
Wear odd shoes for a day
Barber shave
Drink sacramental wine
Wear women’s underwear for a day
Make an origami rose
Go hunting
Dye my hair a ridiculous colour
Lie in a coffin
Stay overnight in a haunted house
Don’t speak for one day
Drive from Malin to Mizen Head
Sit in every eat in Thomond Park
Read the entire Bible
Fly a plane
Juggle
Be mam for a day
Introduce myself to all my neighbours
Weld something
Smash a computer monitor
Jump off Ardnacrusha Bridge
Watch an entire box series of some girl’s television show
Cut turf
Play cricket
Play a full round of golf
Busk
Foodfight
Smoke a pipe
Play grown up 45
Make a petrol bomb
Do that thing with the coke and the mentos.
Picnic on a roundabout
Watch all six Star Wars in one day.
Write my name using my toes.
Get one of my own t-shirts made
Build my own lego army
Get a cake/pie in the face
Blow something up
Take a tango lesson
Play an online shoot em up
Swim with all my clothes on
Attend a non-catholic religious ceremony
Write a letter to the Times.
Write my own crossword
Stay a night in Longford
Speak only in sarcasm for the day
Write my own obituary
Camp in my back garden
Write a song
Set up a large dominoes game
Trace the family tree
Say yes for a day
Learn another alphabet
Go to Newgrange
Go to the Giant’s Causeway
Make a sauce from scratch
Write a limerick about limerick
Invent my own country with a flag and anthem
Attend a drag show
Get my fortune told
Count to 2,000
Make a vegan dinner
Make a human pyramid
Make a perfect fast-food dinner
Drive a motorbike
Wear a kilt
Go-kart racing
Make skittle vodka
Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes
Bid at an auction
Eat tofu
But 1,000 penny sweets
Adopt an animal
Go grape-crushing
Make a lemon-battery
Have a pint in a particular sibin
Make a balloon animal
Teach a class
Fire a bow and arrow
Spend a day trying to solve a rubix cube
Wash car windows at traffic lights
Wear and England jersey for a day
Stay outdoors for 24 hours
Queue overnight for tickets to something.
Be buried completely in sand
Cycle a tandem bike
Use a ouija board
Make and drink coftea.
Eat as many hubba bubbas as I can.
Go horse racing
Attend yoga or pilates
Visit the Arann Islands
Work with a homeless shelter
Have a Mohawk for a day
Go to Oxygen
Make and play my own boardgame
Build a for using as much furniture as possible.
Learn and identify 10 constellations
Enter “rate my poo” website
Get an action bed-jumping photo.
Go to a foreign language country alone
Rollerblade down a hill
Be left handed for a day
Deliver a pizza
Visit every county in Leinster
Do a handstand
Donate blood
Brush my teeth and drink a bottle of OJ.
Go shopping with a girl
Break a mirror
Go on a blind date
Invent my own cocktail
Take the Spur Steakhouse challenge
Build a table and chair.
Sell something on ebay.
Hug my binman
Eat haggis.
Paint a picture on canvass.
Eat a pomegranate
Make a coconut bra
Meet an ombudsman
Bet on an obscure sport
Randomly ring a foreign country for a chat.
Have my fingerprints taken
Crush a can with my head.
Get my shoes shined
Have a car boot sale.
Be in a parade.
Go on a gay night out.
See the book of Kells
Barter in a department store
Do a mensa test
Eat only red food all day
Hire a bouncing castle
Kick a rugby penalty
Skateboard holding a moving car
Be Goth for a day
Swim Kilkee bay
Speak when spoken to
Smash a walnut with a sledgehammer.
Wear a free hugs sign- give hugs
Make a tree swing
Visit an old folks home
Offer free lifts from the airport.
Get a business card made
Limo ride with the sunroof open
Beauty spa treatment
Flip a pancake
Make pizza from scratch
Learn to moonwalk
Eat an insect
Play softball
Play ultimate Frisbee
Build a raft
Take out a personal ad
Colonic irrigation
Swim with a dolphin
Sew a hole in something
Down a pint of Guinness
Full body massage
Do the table cloth magic trick
Send a message in a bottle
Pull a handbreak turn
Wear pyjamas going grocery shopping.
Wear fake nails.
Attend Gamblers Annonymous
Make some jewellery
Make an oil painting
Rent a sports car…
Burn a book.
Snowboard.
Wheelchair for a day.
Pretend to be a mannequin
Buy women’s underwear
Buy a vibrator
Go Christmas carolling
Take a pregnancy test
Make sock puppets
Go wild flower picking
Break a window with a baseball bat.
Try to read a book backwards
Buy shares in something.
Jump from one tree to another
Cycle a unicycle
Cut someone else’s toenails
Dress like a scumbag and go for a pint.
Wear leather pants
Couch surfing in limerick
Build a wall
Spend an entire car journey tied up in the boot
Giant Art Attack
Tee off into the ocean
Make a lemonade stand
Speak klingon
Find another Dan Mooney (not family) go drink…
Eat snails
Eat froglegs
Collect someone at a bus stop.
Eat fruit only for a day
Speak Irish only for a day
Spend a day with an imaginary friend
Get colour matched for foundation at a makeup counter
Sell something on the street
Benchpress my own weight
Whittle something
Handout leaflets with a positive message
Bet one hundred euro on black at roulette
Hot air balloon trip