Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Thing 355 Walk a Cat

Don't be absurd Daniel. You don't take cats for walks. They're cats, which as everyone knows, are not the same as dogs. They're different things, and as such, come with different behaviours. For example: Dogs love people, while cats are conspiring to kill you when they're not just tolerating your existence. Dogs are loyal to a fault, while cats are still trying to figure out how to use a knife just so they can jam it in your back. It's these fundamental differences that mean that they shouldn't be expected to operate in the same way under specific circumstances, like putting a lead on them.

Alright, I'm aware of the above, but I have a fondness for the absurd, it's why I once wore braids in my hair... Yeah, I'll publicly admit to that now. I may as well, it's not like the lads don't tell that story all the time to embarrass me anyway. I like taking the normal things in life, and moving them about a bit and shaking them also in order to make something different, and to provoke a reaction. Like wearing odd shoes for a day, or wearing fake nails for a day, or dressing like a woman...

So when Keano suggested that I should get myself a "cat-lead" I said: "Don't be ridiculous Keano, that product doesn't exist". But when it turned out that it does exist, I said: "Cool, I'm in". Wow. They were oddly specific quotes weren't they?
So Cat Lady provided me with Fidel Catstro. Isn't she sweet? She doesn't like me very much, I think she suspected me from the word go, and was instantly suspicious of me. That or I didn't leave my prejudice about cats at the door and was looking for the knife. I tried to pet Fidel Catstro to put her at ease. Went down like a lead balloon.

Nothing for it but to jam a leash on the little thing, hope she doesn't scratch the face off me (or my ugly mug, I'm not bitter about that at all), and go for a walk.

Problem 1: Cat claws are excellent for sticking to carpets. They also make an atrocious noise when you try to remove said cat from the ground by leash alone.
Problem 2: When a cat doesn't want to walk, it drops to its haunches meaning that walking the cat actually becomes "dragging a cat".
Problem 3: When people see you dragging a cat they judge the shit out of you, and no arguments about trying to get the cat out into some fresh air, or an improvement of its exercise regime will cut any mustard.
Poor Fidel Catstro. We picked her up and carried her to the end of the block, tried to coax her without dragging her back, while trying to avoid hedges she could hide in and the eternal judgement of all who passed us by. Don't worry, before you go calling the ISPCA, we ended up spending most of twenty minutes not moving, just five minutes trying to drag her to her feet, and then she ended up dragging me all the way back to the house.

Cat can really move.

Cat Lady tells me that Fidel will not speak to her for a week. She thinks that's bad? I'm sleeping with one eye open and I've planned all my escape routes out of town... that cat is coming for me. I'm damn sure of it.

Never try to make a cat do what it doesn't want to, ultimately you'll fail, and you'll have earned eternal hatred...

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