Thing 259 Scalextrics

I've lived a deprived and unhappy, neglected and unfulfilled life... When I was small, I never even had a scalextric set. Sure I had clothes and toys, a roof over my head and loving, caring parents... but what good is any of that when you don't own a scalextric set?

I jest... I jest... We had it good when I was small, we just didn't have Scalextrics. I always preferred lego anyway...

Our neighbours had one. But Thorny Wire and I weren't allowed to play with it. The other kids on our street had cottoned on pretty quick that we couldn't really be trusted with toys. We broke things. Not maliciously or intentionally. We just had the habit of being near stuff when it broke: toys; household items, furniture (once it was because The Undertaker had a new move in wrestling, a kind of a power bomb, so we decided to try that out on the coffee table); bones (Thorny Wire has broken both legs and both arms, I've broken my right arm, left scaphoid and my left leg in two places resulting in surgery and three months in a cast).

It only makes sense not to let us play with Scalextric. Or anything really.

The fun part about being a grown up, particularly a grown up living in this house is that Pony Boy, The Frenchman and Token Northy are, just like me, eternal children. I bought a Lego castle for fun about six months ago. I thought they were going to lose their lives.

So when Secret Santa's were opened up, and Pony Boy had picked up a Scalextric set... It was like being transported back to my childhood. All those missed opportunities for racing, all those lonely minutes when I briefly wanted to play with cars that had remote controls.

So we sat, for the best part of the evening, Pony Boy and I, with our heads down living out our youths all over again... except, that, like so many other Project Things that I try for the first time... I was useless. Utterly useless.

Remember when I told you about Pony Boy's competitive streak? And how much he loves winning? Well, I was so bad that he started feeling sorry for me. A man who lives and breathes to win things, was actually trying to let me beat him, because I was that pathetic.

I don't know how long we spent in the small room (which was now completely covered in Scalextric tracks - how many houses with four grown men in their late twenties have rooms dedicated to Scalextric sets?), playing the game and I completed just one lap.

One lousy lap.

Screw you Scalextrics... Where'd I leave my lego castle??