Thing 237 Read The Paper Cover to Cover

I know what you're thinking. Read the paper cover to cover? That's not hard. Hardly even counts as a Thing. You'd be wrong. So very very wrong... How do you like them apples. At a rough estimate, because I don't like counting words alot, there's about two thousand words per page, maybe a little over. There are twenty four pages. That's forty-eight thousand words or thereabout. That's an entire bloody book, and not a fun book either. A boring one. About tax or something.

Oh, and that's without counting the sport section. But I don't mind reading that. Except anything to do with boat racing. I have some prejudices.

I buy a paper most days, I do the crossword, read the sport, and bask in the collective crankiness of the nation by reading the Letter to the Editor page (or the Crank File as I prefer to call it). Then I hoard the paper. I can't bring myself to throw it out. I might want to read something in it later, or do one of the sudoku puzzles, or try to figure out why Doonesbury is funny (any suggestions on that last one are most welcome - mostly I laugh at it because I want people to think I get edgy political jokes, but really, I haven't a clue). So typically I've a stockpile of old Irish Times papers knocking around my room and my house. I've never once read any of them all the way through.

There's a reason for that of course: who's got four hours to spare? Yep. It took me four hours to read every last letter in that paper. There was me, sitting down to read, thinking I'd have it done in an hour or so... I speed read don't you know. No such luck. It took four hours. No problem for the first while - the quality of the writing is good, and the first few pages has news I might actually give a rat's ass about. After that though...

Here's a sample of some of the less interesting headlines:

"Lib Dem MP says aide is not a spy"

To be fair, if it's got the word spy in it, you'd think it would be interesting. On closer inspection though: d'uh. Of course he says he's not a spy. Be a pretty shit spy if her boss could tell a journalist that she was a spy right?

"Bridge Notes"

In the immortal language of "internet speak" WTF?

"Next government must be able to make decisions".

Honestly? Are you serious? Actual decisions? This news rocks my world down to it's very core...

"Germany must make its mark in any euro crisis"

Zzzzzzzzzzzz......

"NTMA chief warned Lenihan not to let Nama distort pay rate"

I didn't know what the NTMA was before I read this, and afterwards I realised that there's a reason my brain strives to block out useless information.

"UK tax collector contests pension payment at MacSharry firm"

Dear lord... what the hell am I reading this for?

It doesn't stop there though. Oh no. It goes on. There are ads to be read. Every single ad in the paper actually. The legal notes. The personal notes. Family notices. Obituaries...

I've either got to switch to tabloids or just stop reading the paper... Talk about depressing...