Thing 287 STI Clinic

Well... this is awkward for us all. Ahem. How about we act casual and pretend this isn't embarrassing and we'll get through this quickly. If you could avoid looking me in the eye that would be great. How about the weather we're having eh? Not nice out there today I can tell you.

Ha. What's that? Oh yes, yes. Terrible about the Government. Election soon I believe. 'Bout time too says you, heh? You'd be fed up with the lot of them wouldn't you? Yeah....

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Terrible about the parking around here isn't it? And it's the same in town you know. Parking rates are a complete disaster in the city centre. It's no wonder everyone's heading off to the suburban shopping centres. Yeah...

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I've never in my life sat through so many awkward silences. Not since Jack Rack dropped his pants in a lecture theatre packed with students and slapped his bare arse until everyone stopped talking, have I experienced such deafening silence. It's so Irish it'd make you weak laughing if you weren't trying to die of embarrassment.

Getting checked out at a Clinic is socially responsible. No matter how sure you are, and I was completely sure, that you're clean and disease free, it's a good thing to do. Shows you're considerate. And takes confidence.

The thing about being Irish is that we've got a guilt complex. Some will tell you it's a left over of the authoritarian rule of the Church. Others say it's from tipping our hats to the British Empire. Many will point the finger at the famine and the subsequent exodus from our country. One thing is clear though. We've got a guilt complex no matter which way you slice it. It's never so clear as it is in the waiting room of an STI clinic.

I knew before I went in there that I was clean. It was a Project Thing, nothing more. Ten minutes later I was sitting with my head bowed, silently praying that no one sat next to me. Nobody spoke. Well that's not true, there's limited conversation like the one shown above. Frighteningly embarrassing.

As for the tests themselves, well that's the easy bit. The nurses and the doctors are friendly, like super friendly. I guess they can sense the tension in the waiting bit, so they put you at ease. Expect the following things: Needles. Eugh. Embarrassing questions asked in a charmingly disarming manner. A swab. Ladies you can stop reading here.

Lads: It's not a fun place to be swabbed. I promise you that.

You'll all be glad to hear; all clean. Heart attack one night, clean bill of health the next. It's full of ups and downs is this Project.